Thoughts on unfeeling

My Grandad passed away yesterday. I had only seen him a few times in my life, and really didn't know him very well, so I'm not entirely surprised that I don't feel a whole lot of emotion about his death. I'm sad for his wife, and for my dad and aunt, and I suppose I am sad in my own way about it. But I don't feel a lot of the loss that they're feeling.

So it did surprise me when I got in bed last night and couldn't sleep because of what I was feeling. I feel bad for not feeling that loss. I feel guilty for not making more of an effort. I feel bad that I forgot to call him over the weekend. I feel glad that I did have a chance to talk with him a week ago. I feel sorry for his wife, who has cancer and has to start chemotherapy alone now. I feel concerned for his eternal soul. I feel glad that he was comfortable in his last days.

I feel a bit...anxious? Alone? Unsure? Something I can't quite figure out.

And I don't know where all these feelings leave me. I don't want this to have zero effect on my life, but it feels strange to have to construct some sort of "moral" or meaning or outcome. I guess I'll just have to see how the pieces fall.

Corvallis Obituary

Winston-Salem obituary