Advent Conspiracy

This is important!

**Update: This year, our church has raised over $21,000 for well building projects in Gondar, Ethopia. I believe that will be combined with money raised from a couple of other churches. So awesome! Plus, we got to see pictures of completed wells that we donated money toward over the last two years. Praise God.

Thought for the evening

We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.

GK Chesterton

Galatians 5:22-25 (The Message)

But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.



love. joy. peace. patience. kindness. goodness. faithfulness. gentleness. self-control.

A poem for a Tuesday night

A Psalm of Life

What the heart of the young man said to the psalmist

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream! --
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, -- act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Adventures in Reading: "The Age of Innocence" by Edith Wharton

I received this book as a very thoughtful gift, and was excited to start reading it right away. And I was not disappointed!

Edith Wharton has crafted a story of love and longing that keeps the reader engaged on every page. The story never drags, the characters are well developed and believable, the tension is well-crafted and the end is satisfying. And on top of all that, it was a fairly quick read! Honestly, I think this is a great example of what a novel should be.

So, if you're looking for a good book, "The Age of Innocence" might be just the thing.


Oh, and PS: I wrote 2,034 words today. My most successful day so far! I'm still a bit behind pace, but if I can keep this momentum going this week, I might just be able to catch up!

NaNoWriMo Day 3

...was my first "succesful" day!

If you aren't familiar with the whole NaNoWriMo deal, check out the website (which I believe I linked to in my last post). One of the features is a chart that tracks your progress. This is helpful because it tells me how many words I need to write per day to real the goal of 50,000 in 30 days(which is about 1,670, if you're wondering). Then, if you miss a day, or have an off day where you can only think of ten words to write, it lets you know how many you're going to need to crank out the next day to make up for it.

My first day was not good as far word count goes (about 500 words). I counted it as a success for myself, though, because a) I started, and b) I came up with an actual idea for a story that I felt I could work with. So...word count schmerd count.

Day 2 was better in terms of the number of words I managed to bang out. It was about half of what I "need" to write each day, but that felt better than the day before. And then yesterday...

I did it! I wrote about 1,700 words, and it felt great. I ended the day with over 3,000 words total, and as of right now (around 2pm on day 4) I'm just about to hit 4,000. Yay.

So, there's an update about that. My plan is NOT to do an update every day on my progress, but instead to post something every few days. I can only write so much in one day, people!

PS: "Conversation 16" by the National has turned out to be my song of choice for this project. It's got the right tone and the right allusions to dark fantastic characters.

NaNoWriMo

Well, I did it. I have officially signed up for my first NaNoWriMo. Wish me luck!

Music as inspiration

I want to write a novel written exclusively while listening to The National. Matt Berninger's voice really just sets a tone in my mind that feels translatable. I may even have the beginnings of something in mind. I guess I'll just have to keep listening to see where it takes me. That is all...for now.

Here's a taste:

Checking in

Blog, I haven't forgotten about you. I just don't have much to blog about at the moment.

For my loyal readers (all two of you), I also have a tumblr blog: reachingforit.tumblr.com. It's more or a less a scrapbook of things I find interesting or inspiring.

Adventures in Reading: "The Girl with Glass Feet" by Ali Shaw

What attracted me to this book was its pseudo-Magical Realism with a European twist.

Oh boy.

This book was...not good. The premise was good. The ideas were good. But the book really read like a first draft. I mean, I now literally use some of the sentences from this book as examples of bad writing. It felt basic and underdeveloped.

And it was totally inspiring because if this can get published and end up on the best-seller list, then I KNOW I can do it.

So sorry, Ali Shaw, for the backhanded compliment. I truly truly hope to someday be where you are right now. Only better.

Good words

I apologize for my absence. I was away for a week, and then blogger wouldn't load. Anyway, here are some words from two friends' recent wedding that I just love.

The Quiet World by Jeffery McDaniel

In an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn't respond,
I know she's used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

I always knew I was special

I meant to post this a while ago, but...well, didn't. But here I am! Better late than never, I suppose. Anyway...

My brain is special. Seriously. I have a neurological condition called synesthesia. Basically, I use more than one sense at a time when thinking of abstractions such as numbers and letters (ie, I see letters as specific colors). One in twenty people has this condition, and until recently, I was the only person I knew with it. However, the other day a friend of mine said something about her name "being" green, and viola! One of my very favorite friends is also a synesthete!

So now I'm wondering who else I know that also has this condition. If you do, speak up! We can start a club.

Change of scenery

I am currently sitting in the absolutely perfect sunshine on my back patio. Ok...technically I am completely submerged in the shade, BUT...when when your skin is a lovely porcelain, a la Snow White, it's basically the same. Anyway...I was sitting in my house, watching something I wasn't even interested in on tv, and I just thought, you know...this isn't what I want my life to look like. So, I picked some peas from my (landlady's) garden, gathered the necessities and set up camp on my patio.

I also picked up a new book. I'm going to finish the John Irving book, but I just need something different right now. Something to inspire me. Something more along the lines of what I'm interested in writing. So, this afternoon I will begin "The Girl with Glass Feet" by Ali Shaw.

I've gotten in a really terrible reading and writing funk. I want to be excited about both of those activities, and I'm not. I think the best (and probably only) way to get out of this kind of funk is to create a better daily routine for myself. I'm learning that I am not a very disciplined person, and it's something that I truly want to change. Consider this a step in the right direction. Laptop down, reading glasses on.

Oh...and can anyone tell me why the shade keeps moving?

Unintentional hiatus

So, I didn't mean to go a whole month without blogging. I've got several excuses, including: nice weather, no job, friends to see...

You may have noticed that I didn't mention "writing the next great American novel". Well, that's because I've been having a really hard time writing. I'm not sure what the deal is. I mean, the things mentioned above definitely have something to do with it. But outside of that...I'm just feeling really uninspired. Even thinking about writing on this blog feels...tedious.

Maybe I need a better routine. Maybe I need a muse of sorts. Maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe I need to just get with the program.

"In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?" -- Rainer Maria Rilke

Is that true of me? I need to get words out, that's for sure. I bet if I was isolated from humanity, I'd get a lot of writing done! As that doesn't seem to be a real option at the moment, I'll need to figure out a way to motivate myself to write more consistently. I WANT to be serious about this. And maybe just writing this right here is a good start...

By the way...isn't Rilke just a genius when it comes to getting to the point?

Adventures in Reading: "Stones into Schools" by Greg Mortenson

"Stones into Schools" is the second published installment in the adventures of Greg Mortenson, author of "Three Cups of Tea". Greg's journey building schools throughout Pakistan is expanded to include Afghanistan and other areas of central Asia. Along with the challenges inherently present in this kind of endeavor, Greg also faces the personal challenges of fame after the success of "Three Cups of Tea".

"Three Cups of Tea" is an amazing story. And "Stones into Schools" does not disappoint as a sequel. This chapter of the story is told directly by Greg, in the first person, making it a more intimate narrative. It gives us an extremely personal look into some of Greg's greatest triumphs, and some of his biggest fears and challenges.

"Stones into Schools" is a story of humanity. It's the story of how one human can literally change the world. It's the story of personal sacrifice, overcoming opposition, and of humility. It's a story well worth reading. And hopefully, it will inspire you to create some change of your own.

Adventures in Reading: "The Catcher in the Rye" by JD Salinger

I had managed to avoid reading "The Catcher in the Rye" since high school. I can't really give a reason for doing so, but I had an aversion to it for one reason or another...until I read "Franny and Zooey". The finally push came when a friend insisted that I read his "number one desert island book".

And I was not disappointed. The modern reader may not understand the importance of Salinger's most famous work because it seems so similar to many other coming-of-age stories. The thing is, Salinger did it first. A large portion of these kinds of stories that have come out since "Catcher" was published have been an attempt to capture the same genuine expression of the teenage experience that Salinger managed to encapsulate. He was raw and uncensored, and caught a lot of flack for it. However, I believe it was his refusal to mold Holden Caulfield into a moral character that has caused this book to be loved by so many. Salinger didn't attempt to craft Holden's narrative into a story about right or wrong, and in doing so, told a story that was more true than if he had.

I would most definitely recommend this one, even if only as another example of Salinger's masterful characterization. And deeper than that, it's an extremely good example of the effect a truly sincere character can have on a reader. If you'd like a more in depth critique, Google it ;)

Adventures in Reading: "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen

I am blown away by how fast I can read a book after reading "Anna Karenina". Seriously.

Anyway..."Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen is a great, quick read. It's the story of Jacob Jankowski, an old man in a nursing home reminiscing about the days when he was a veterinary student at Cornell who literally ran away and joined the circus after a tragedy turns his world upside down. The flashbacks to his circus days are the bulk of the story, and Gruen does an excellent job knowing when to pull the reader back to the present time, and when to let the story go uninterrupted.

I always find it interesting when women write from a male perspective, and vice versa. It seems easier, in a way, to write from a male perspective than from a female perspective, since our culture is, let's face it, still fairly male-centric. Women seem to corner the market on female protagonists (with the exception of Nicolas Sparks, but his techniques seem to rely heavily on female fantasy of romance, and not on reality...but I digress). My point here is that I never once thought to myself, "that seems like a very female way of describing this situation". I was mostly concerned about this being a problem when dealing with the romantic relationships portrayed in the story...especially in the sex scenes. Women and men inherently view sex differently, and it's hard for the author's experience to not come through their characters when they don't know anything else (that goes for everything). All that to say, I was impressed with Gruen.

I would definitely recommend this book. It's a quick read, and an engaging story. It's also an interesting look into the behind-the-scenes world of the old train circuses. What more could you ask for, really?

Adventures in Reading: "Leaf Storm and other stories" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Sorry blog. I'm way behind! I've got excuses, but none of them are really very good, so we'll just skip them for today.

So..."Leaf Storm and other stories" is a compilation of short stories written by Nobel Prize winner Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Marquez also wrote "One Hundred Years of Solitude" (which currently resides in my reading "to do" pile at home). He's a name I'd heard of, but hadn't really put much thought into. But that was before I went to the writing workshop. One of the instructors read a passage from a story called "A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings". And I was hooked. I did a little research, and found that Marquez is famous for writing in the Magical Realism genre. This particular genre is really fascinating to me, and I hope that I can learn from it and incorporate elements of it into my own writing.

As for the collection itself, I enjoyed it very much. Some of the stories were a bit hard to grasp, as they truly do blend what's real and what's fantastic. I had to let go of my need for explanation or closure in some of the stories and appreciate them for the vignettes that they are.

So, yes, I would recommend this collection. It was a good introduction to Marquez and his style of writing. I would recommend it to anyone who is looking to read something a bit out of the ordinary.

It's true...

Rives

I forgot about Rives until a friend and I were discussing spoken-word poetry the other day. The first one is my favorite. Sometimes I cry when I listen to it. Yeah...it's that good. Enjoy!

This evening's thoughts

"...he is not far from each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.'" -- Acts 17:27&28

"The books or the music in which we thought beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things - the beauty, the memory of our own past - are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never visited." -- CS Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"

And I'm working on some writing. Don't worry...I still do that.

Remember...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Waiting

This picture describes how I feel about life just now. I'm just waiting for the Big Reveal...

No brainer

I often have these epiphanies that, after they've occurred to me, seem rather obvious. My latest is no different.

At the writing workshop I went to a few weeks ago, one of the instructors lit a candle at the beginning of the class, saying that it was part of his writing ritual. He has a little routine that he goes through every time he sits down to write, and light a candle is part of what helps him center himself.

Well, I don't a routine. But I've decided that I need one. And a main component of my yet-to-be-fully-established routine will be prayer.

I want God to be a part of every facet of my life. Actually, I want every facet of my life to extend out from my relationship with God (there's a difference!). So I have decided that when I sit down to write, I will start by praying. My intention with this isn't that God will suddenly inspire me (though if He wants to, He's more than welcome). My intention is to center myself, and to remind myself where my talent comes from, where my true inspiration comes from. I want to invite Him into my process.

All of this seems really obvious to me. Like, something I should have known all along. But, I didn't. And oh well. Now that it's something I'm aware of, that I want to be aware of, I'm excited, because I believe it will make a difference.

So that's my most recent revelation. And it's going to be great.

Adventures in Reading: "Franny and Zooey" by JD Salinger

This book was a much needed breath of fresh air after "Anna Karenina".

"Franny and Zooey" is actually two related short stories in one book. "Franny" is about Franny Glass, and it's more or less a vignette that takes place one afternoon in her life. "Zooey" focus on Zooey Glass, Franny's older brother, but it delves much more deeply into the entire family. It builds off of "Franny" by providing a greater narrative for the scene that took place during that story.

Here's why I loved this book: Salinger is a genious with characters. Now, this is my first and only Salinger read to date, so I can only use "Franny and Zooey" as a basis for my statement, but based on the fact that people love his writing, I'm going to venture a guess that his characterization is great in everything he does. I mean, there's just no way this is a fluke.

And he is now my hero of characterization. He really creates a character: motivation, habits, mannerisms, speech patterns, quirks, strengths and weaknesses...he does it all. I realized this when I found myself a bit annoyed with the way Zooey spoke. His repetition of certain words started to grate on me, and then it dawned on me...maybe it grated on Salinger too. Or maybe, just maybe, this was supposed to make me dislike Zooey a bit. Maybe Salinger was telling me something about Zooey's character with his somewhat annoying way of speaking. This might sound really elementary as far as writing and reading goes, and well, it is, but the fact remains that characterization is usually really difficult for me, and this is the first time that it's clicked in my head the way characters should be written. That's not to say that everyone should write in the same style as Salinger, but I do think that making a character come alive is one of a writer's main jobs. Having a concrete example of how to do this that I can come back to again and again is going to be pretty invaluable!

So there it is. Two excellent examples of characterization. Well done, Mr. Salinger!

Oh, and PS: it took me less than a week to read this thing. After "Anna Karenina", it felt like the blink of an eye!

Thanks again, Mr. cummings

i am a little church(no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
-i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
-i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)

ee cummings

Remixing writing

A guy called David Shields' book "Reality Hunger" has just hit shelves. I haven't read it, but I can tell you what it's about:

Shields believes that in the same way the music industry "samples" songs, authors should be able to sample other people's writing and words in their own work without citing sources. His premise is that novels are being written in an archaic way that doesn't represent today's reality...at least that's what I understand of it.

So, here I sit, thinking...really? The best way to modernize writing is to take pieces, verbatim, from other people and act as if it were your own original thought?

I suppose that Shields would argue that in this new "form" of writing, it should not be assumed that the author actually came up with everything in the book from their own head. But if that's true, then why would you even bother putting your name on the book in the first place?

I also feel like writing style would go completely out the window. If I can just piece together passages from all the stories in the world, it's going to sound pretty...disconnected.

These are just a couple of the concerns I have with this.

But what if this is actually a great idea? There are already autobiographies that blend fiction with fact, like "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". Or what about books like "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies"? I know the difference between what Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith wrote. But someone not familiar with Austen might not know what was part of her original story and what has been added by Grahame-Smith (from what I'm guessing...I haven't actually read it). Is Shields' idea just the next logical step?

Honestly, I'm mostly against this. But it's an interesting conversation, in the very least.

Idea

Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.

That's all I'm going to say for now, because that's about as far as I'll let my mind go with it at this point. But it IS on my mind...

Adventures in Reading: "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy

"Anna Karenina". It could also be called "Perseverance".

That was a long, sometimes tedious book. I don't have much to say about it, despite the fact that it was close to one thousand pages long.

Essentially, it is a book about the way a handful of Russian aristocrats deal with the changing times on of the 18th century. It also compares rural and societal life, and has major overarching themes of religion and morality. And while the writing itself is very good, the story seemed to drag for me. I couldn't wait for the climax, to see how everything tied together...but I was left pretty unsatisfied. The pay-off wasn't big enough compared to all the reading I had to do.

And I found the character of Anna Karenina herself to become less and less sympathetic as the story continued. I found myself getting more and more annoyed with her. I've heard that Tolstoy was enamored with her character. Can't imagine why, unless he loved pathetic women...

Anyway...I did it. I read the whole thing, and I did enjoy a lot about it. The description and writing style are first-rate, and the characters do really come alive, otherwise I wouldn't dislike some of them so much! But I'm very happy to be done with it, especially since I've been collecting books to read when I was finally done. I have a big beautiful stack just waiting for me. Very exciting :)

PS: The best part about reading this book was losing it at a bar on my birthday. Definitely made for a good story!

Always

On a day like today, when things just don't seem to be going the way I want them to...this is what I hold onto:

This is the start
This is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun
These are your lungs
This is the place you were born

I am always yours
I am always yours

These are the scars
Deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole
Where most of your sole comes ripping out
From the places you've been torn

And it is always yours
I am always yours

Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
I am always yours


And since sometimes listening is better than reading:

Perfect match

I little inspiration, graffiti-style.

Here's to love and the sea, two of my favorite muses.

More thoughts for Easter

"Made for spirituality, we wallow in introspection. Made for joy, we settle for pleasure. Made for justice, we clamor for vengeance. Made for relationship, we insist on our own way. Made for beauty, we are satisfied with sentiment. But NEW CREATION has already begun! The sun has begun to rise. Christians are called to leave behind, in the tomb of Jesus Christ, all that belongs to the brokenness and incompleteness of the present world. It is time, in the power of the Spirit, to take up our proper role, our fully human role, as agents, heralds, and stewards of the new day that is dawning. That, quite simply, is what it means to be Christian: to follow Jesus Christ into the new world, God's new world, which He has thrown open before us." - N.T. Wright, "Simply Christian"

He is risen!

Easter...the yearly remembrance of the most important event in human history, and, consequentially, in my life. I've had this song stuck in my head all day, and I think it really says everything better than I can.

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

‘Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life’s first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

‘til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Happy Easter!

Nice way to spend a Saturday

I just got home from my first ever writer's conference and workshop...and I loved it!

I actually cried in my car between sessions because I was so overwhelmed with how much I love writing and language and words. Dramatic? Sure. But it was a genuine outpouring of the emotion I was feeling, so I'm unconcerned.

I don't have much to say, other than I am feeling inspired and encouraged, and I hope with the new set of techniques and ideas I was given today I am able to dive more deeply into the writing life.

I hope you are feeling equally as inspired in whatever areas of your own life you are pursuing!

Thought for the day

"Do not sabotage your goals with mediocre efforts."

A friend shared this with me today. It reminds me of "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". Better get to it, then...whatever "it" is.

Making an effort

I have signed up for my first writing workshop. It's nothing huge, just a one day, two session workshop through the local community college. But it's something, and I'm excited to see what comes of it.

I'm also taking some steps in another area of interest in my life...but I'm keeping that a secret until I can figure out how realistic it is right now.

And STILL reading "Anna Karenina". But I only have about 250 pages left...home stretch! I have four or five books just waiting to be read when I'm finished, and I'm excited to get to them.

A quarter century's wisdom

I have just recently completed my 25th year on this planet. It was a really significant year for me, marked with a lot of heartache, but also a lot of growth and happiness. I am proud to say that when I look back over the past year, I am not the person I was when I started, and I have grown and changed for the better.

There are still a lot of things I would like to work on, and a lot of questions about life that are still unanswered (or at least, I don't seem to know what the answer is just yet...or haven't grasped that the answer is "no"). However, I believe that life is a journey, and that I'm being shaped for a purpose, so I will take all of my life experience up to this point and use it to continue down the road I'm on.

I wish that I could say I have some specific goals for the coming year, but I don't. Maybe that's a project I should work on. Regardless, I am confident that this next year will be full of more ups, downs and sidewayses, and that I will keep becoming the person I am meant to be.

And with that, a little quote:

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Two Letters

Dear Gramma Margie,

Thank you for being so kind and funny and loving. Thank you for loving me more than just about anyone I've ever known. Thank you for always being proud of me, and for encouraging me in every circumstance. Thank you for always being warm and generous. Thank you for teaching me the importance of loving life and of having opinions and of pepper as a seasoning. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I hope that you knew how much I love you. You will always be missed.

Dear God,

Thank you for my Gramma. Thank you for allowing us to live so close to each other for the last fews years, and for giving me the opportunity to know her and love her better. Thank you that she was able to die peacefully. Thank you for your perfect timing and for your plan, even when I don't understand. Please help me to never take the people I love for granted, and to always remember that each day is a gift.

To Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen.


Gramma's obituary

More

I think an appropriate thing to do during my current time of uncertainty is to surround myself with good words and thoughts.

"Before the throne of God above

I have a strong and perfect plea

A great High Priest whose name is Love

Who ever lives and pleads for me

My name is graven on His hands

My name is written on His heart

I know that while in Heaven He stands

No tongue can bid me thence depart

No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end of all my sin

Because the sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free

For God the just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me

To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Praise the one risen Son of God

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb

My perfect spotless righteousness

The great unchangeable I Am

The King of glory and of grace

One in Himself, I cannot die

My soul is purchased by His blood

My life is hid with Christ above

With Christ my Savior and my God

With Christ my Savior and my God" - Charitie Lees Smith

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." - Victor Hugo


"Have no envy, no fear." - Joshua Radin

"I find love as deep as the ocean

I find joy as sure as the sun

I find peace that passes understanding

I find myself in You

Your love surrounds me...I find myself in You

I find grace that gives each day meaning

I find hope so safe and secure

I find life in knowing that You love me

I find myself in You

Your love surrounds me...I find myself in You" - Peter Kelley


"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”- Lamentations 3:21-24

I'll keep adding to this as I find things.

Response

I believe this song may be, at least in part, God's response to my current feelings of uncertainty, grief, misunderstanding and desire for God's will to be done in my life.

"Pensive, doubting, fearful heart
Hear what Christ the Savior says
Every word should joy impart
Change thy mourning into praise
Yes, He speaks and speaks to thee
May He help thee to believe
Then thou presently will see
Thou has little cause to grieve

Fear thou not, nor be ashamed
All thy sorrows soon shall end
I, who heaven and earth have framed
Am thy Husband and thy Friend
I, the High and Holy One
Israel's God, by all adored
As thy Savior will be known
Thy Redeemer and thy Lord

For a moment I withdrew
And thy heart was filled with pain
But my mercies I'll renew
Thou shall soon rejoice again
Though I seem to hide my face
Very soon my wrath shall cease
'Tis but for a moment's space
Ending in eternal peace

Though afflicted, tempest tossed
Comfortless awhile thou art
Do not think thou can be lost
Thou art graven on my heart
All thy wastes I will repair
Thou shalt be rebuilt anew
And in thee it shall appear
What the God of love can do"

¿Cómo se dice...?

Not knowing the exact word to describe something is one of my biggest annoyances. But that's where I'm at right now...unable to describe exactly what I'm feeling. I've tried out several words, but none seem to fit just right.

This is about the time I turn to those who have written before me. Instead of trying to decide one word that says what I feel in its entirety, I'll let some others do the talking. They'll at least be able to do some summarizing.


"Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true and deep as the sea
but right now everything you want is wrong,
and right now all your dreams are waking up,
and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom, where no one lives." - Joseph Arthur

"Let my cry come before you, O LORD;
give me understanding according to your word!" - Psalm 119:169

"Well I looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest
Said do your best to destroy me
I've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit, you kinda bore me
There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes, and some are already dead who walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
It's the hurt I hide that fuels the fire inside me
Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged?" - Ray LaMontagne

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul,
a hope both sure and steadfast - Hebrews 6:19

"I don't know how your love works
Or how you cover me in grace
I don't know how you swallow all I am
when I can't stand my taste
All I know is the bleeding in my heart
and the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
so let that be enough...it's all I know" - Matt Wertz

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. - Ephesians 3:20

"The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to" - Ginny Owens

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. - Romans 8:26

"Two things you told me:
That you are strong
And you love me" - Jon Foreman

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29: 11-12

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief." - CS Lewis

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. - Romans 12:12

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-we find it with another." - Thomas Merton

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. - Psalm 23:2-3

"...even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, his own lovely character." - Hannah Hurnard

A lovely gift

My wonderful auntie gave me a BEAUTIFUL ring for my birthday (which isn't for a few days still, but she couldn't wait). It's a HUGE two carat aquamarine (my birthstone) on a delicate stylized band. I love it. But the best part is this: I get to make up the story behind it.

You see, it's an antique ring, but the jeweler didn't know the story of it's origin. So my aunt said that I get to make one up. Every time I look at it, I imagine where it might have come from, who might have worn it.

Maybe it belonged to a 19th century high society woman who had to sell it to cover her husband's gambling debts.

Maybe a band of robbers stole it from some wealthy Italian travelers and it toured most of southern Europe before being sold to a jeweler at a bazaar in Morocco.

Maybe it's part of a pirate treasure, only recently discovered below the sea.

Maybe...

Advice

"Don't sit down in the middle of the woods. If you're lost in the plot or blocked, retrace your steps to where you went wrong. Then take the other road. And/or change the person. Change the tense. Change the opening page." - Margaret Atwood

I need to remember this.

And here's more. Reading this honestly brought my stress level down about ten notches.

Having faith...in myself

So speaking of faith...

The instructor of my writing class approached me on Tuesday and asked if I would be able to bring in something for critique next week, it being our last class. I've had one critique session before this, while most of the class has had at least two. To be honest, a) I didn't realize next week was our last week, and b) I didn't really want to have anything else looked at. It's not because I don't enjoy the critique process. It's actually very helpful. The problem is that I have barely touched my story since the class last saw it.

I've made a lot of excuses, and even started another project in a veiled attempt to avoid my project. A lot of my excuses are logical, rational, and even acceptable...on some level. However, some of it just comes down to the fact that I have no idea how to fix some of the real problems I'm facing with it, and it's frustrating.

But Tuesday night I was given a choice: I could either figure out more ways to avoid my story, or I could actually try to work through some of the problems. Thankfully, I chose the latter.

Other factors involved in this particular push to write are thus:

• My gramma is in the hospital, and I'm trying to visit her when I can
• I am going to Seattle for the weekend, leaving Friday and coming home Sunday evening
• Our drafts to be critiqued are normally due Thursday afternoon (more editing can be done between then and Tuesday)
• I still don't know how to solve some of the major issues that are coming up in my story

So there it is. Not really much time to actually write. I knew that if this was going to happen, Wednesday needed to be a very productive evening. And I was pretty scared that it wouldn't be.

And you know what? Last night was great. I sat down, reviewed the suggestions my classmates had made, and started making whatever changes seemed most helpful. Still feeling a bit stuck, I decided to just move on to the next scene and see where it took me. Well, it took me to a place I was almost afraid to go. Basically, looking at the entire story subjectively, I realized that a major scene needed to be deleted. The problem was that it was the scene that had given me the original idea for the story, and it meant that a lot of what was written would need to be rewritten. But honestly, the story works better this way. It's a major change, but it puts my characters down a more honest path, I think. It was too hard for me to actually delete the stuff, so it's now sitting in a separate word document, just in case. It's out of the way though, and now there's room for me to add new things. And now that it is out of the way, I feel more confident and more motivated to work on this project.

So here's the lesson: I need to not just believe in my writing, but in myself as well. I can solve problems. I do not need to feel defeated when things aren't going as smoothly as I hoped. And while the outside motivation is really helpful, I can also motivate myself. I was made to do this, and knowing that should be all the reassurance I need.

Thought for the day

Try, for example, to sustain preserving faith - without gratitude - and your faith will eventually forget the whole point of it's faithfulness, hardening into a practice of religion that's hollow and ineffective. -- Nancy Leigh DeMoss

A Lenten approach

"...it was only necessary to to forget oneself and to love others in order to be at peace, happy and lovely." - Leo Tolstoy, "Anna Karenina"

Appropriately enough, I read this on Ash Wednesday. And I really think that this is at least part of the spirit of Lent.

Lent is traditionally a time to sacrifice in preparation for Easter. But why? Part of it has to do with sharing in the suffering of Christ. I think the most important feature, however, is the refocusing on Christ that occurs during this time, the forgetting of oneself. Sacrificing tv, the internet, or dinners is pretty meaningless if you just fill that time with other inconsequential things. But if you take that time to read the Bible, reflect on Jesus, serve others or just generally forget about yourself, I think you'll find Lent to be a much more rewarding and refreshing time.

And that is my goal for this year's Lenten season: to be refreshed in my relationship with Christ. I want to think less about myself and more about Him and others. On Easter Sunday, I want to celebrate more joyfully than ever, because I have an even greater understanding and appreciation for what that day means to me.

I have also decided to use Lent as an example of a way that I can improve my motivation to write. The idea of fasting from certain distractions for a period of time in order to give myself more time to write seems like a pretty perfect idea. In that spirit, I will be using some of the time provided by my Lenten fasting to work on my writing. If all goes well, I'll come up with a plan to continue that strategy after Easter.

Happy Lenting!

Adventures in Reading: "Northanger Abbey" by Jane Austen

Oh, Jane Austen...how talented you were. Genius, really.

"Northanger Abbey" was actually the first book written by Ms. Austen. It wasn't published, however, until after her death. In contrast with her other novels, it does feel a bit less mature, but her strong style is still evident throughout the piece, and it is a worthy predecessor to her later works.

"Northanger Abbey" is the story of Catherine Morland and her growth from a naive girl to a more sensible woman. By making Catherine's character very innocent and unaware of the ways people manipulate one another, Austen is able to expose these manipulations in a cleverly exaggerated way. Catherine is literal, almost to a fault, and as such, is completely unaware of hidden motivations and intentions in other people. She is, therefore, baffled when people do other than they have explicitly said they would do.

The story itself is fairly short and always light-hearted and satirical. It is a fun, quick read, and a very nice introduction to Austen. Thanks for letting me borrow it, Jessye!

I am now currently reading "Anna Karenina", so you won't see another post like this for a while! I am far away in 19th century Russia, with another 800 or so pages to go...

I didn't forget...

In my last post, I said that I was giving myself until Friday to make some writing goals. That happened, but I forgot to blog about it. I apologize, dear readers, for leaving you on the edge of your seats!

First of all, thanks Jessye for the idea about carrying a notebook with me. I'm not sure why that idea hadn't occurred to me earlier, because it's actually something I used to do. So I'm starting there. At first, I thought I would go out and buy myself a new notebook to start with, but then I realized that was my way of putting things off. Now my journal that I've been writing in on and off for about two years will be going wherever I go. Hopefully, it gets filled up quickly, because I do love a new journal.

I've also started working on a new project. My novel is still my main project, but it can be a bit overwhelming to me some days. I've had another project in mind for a while, and it can be broken down into smaller chunks. I hadn't started it though, because I was afraid it would distract too much from my novel. Well, I think that line of reasoning was a bit flawed. My new project is essentially a collection of short stories, and working on those keeps me writing and working toward a finished piece. I think working on that on days that my novel just feels too heavy is a much better idea than just pushing everything to the side.

I have also decided to talk about my writing with more people. It's hard for me to bring up the fact that I'm writing a book with most people, because I don't want to sound pretentious. Unless I mention it, no one is going to have any idea that I'm doing it. But without people knowing about it, I can't get any encouragement or feedback of any kind. Thankfully, being in class has allowed me to have it critiqued, and I have a much better idea of what I need to do next. If I had been unwilling to put myself out there, I wouldn't be able to say that. It's also important for me to talk to people because I can't really put any of my writing on this blog because of complications with publication later on. It would be great if I could put things on here and have people respond to them, but I'd basically be ruining my chances at my end goal. The most important reason I need to talk with people about my writing, however, is that the more I talk about writing and being a writer, the more I feel like it's true, the more I feel like that's actually a part of who I am. And believing that is pretty essential to staying motivated!

I would love to write every day, but with my schedule as it is, that's not really feasible. But I want to make writing a part of my "work" schedule on certain days of the week (most likely Thursday through Saturday or Sunday with my current schedule). I'm hoping to figure out a way to make myself accountable in this area. Maybe there's some sort of blog feature for that. I'll have to investigate.

Finally, I think it's important for me to realize that my reading plays a big part in my writing. I read every day for about an hour during my lunch breaks at work, and usually do a little reading on the weekends as well. Reading anything from the classics to the contemporary, and in a variety of genres and styles, is only going to improve my writing. Being well-read helps me to see what works, what I would like to emulate, and how to really craft a piece. There may be days when all I do is read without writing, and that's ok. Reading is strengthening my writing, whether I realize it or not. In fact, music, dance, art...anything created...will influence who I am and what I write.

Anyway...those are some ideas that I have come up with to help myself feel more organized in this adventure. As I've said before, suggestions (and encouragements!) are always welcome. Thank you for taking the time to be a part of this with me :)

Take a sad song and make it better...

Life is good. That's sort of a profound statement, if you really think about it. Is life actually good? Being alive, the gift of life, certainly is good. But circumstances in life aren't always good. I think the earthquake in Haiti last week is a glaring example of how unfair and hopeless life can be. And despite the fact that (thankfully) my life has never seen anything akin to that kind of despair, there have been times when I would say that life was anything but good, at least for a certain span of time.

So I will not say that my life is good. But I will say that I am content with life, and hope that I can always remain content despite my circumstances. Being content with life does not negate the negative feelings that come with pain or loss or injustice, however. It doesn't mean that I won't struggle to remain content in the hard times.

Now, how does this relate to my writing?

Well...I have discovered that when I am at ease with life, when my life is free from conflict, I write less.

A few months ago, circumstances were such that I was dealing with a lot of hurt and confusion. And I wrote. Boy, did I write! I couldn't go a day without it. I wrote about what I was going through, but I also wrote creatively a lot, too. Thankfully, my writing class also started shortly after the initial onset of this sudden outpouring of ink, so I had a place to channel some of the ideas that were swirling around in my head. Over time, as the raw emotion of the situation dissipated, so did my writing. Having classes and a project I'm working on has kept me writing fairly consistently, but my daily cathartic or creative writing unrelated to anything specific has become nearly nonexistent. And it makes me a bit sad. Is conflict my muse?

I highly doubt it. But I'm beginning to think that when I let my guard down and really feel whatever emotion it is that I'm feeling, I'm more able to just let go and write. When I'm more comfortable with life, I still feel emotions, but apparently not the kind that compel me to sit down and write. And they aren't the kind that more or less overshadow everything else. So it would seem that when my emotions are in a valley, my writing is on a mountain top, and vice versa.

I can look back and see how this has always been true in my life. I'm good at taking a sad song and making it better (thanks, J. Lennon). I just never really saw the pattern. Now that I have some awareness of this fact, though, I need to decide what to do with it. Clearly, I can't wait for the next conflict or season of discomfort in my life to write. Writing can help me get through those things still, of course, but if I'm serious about writing, I need to figure out a way to motivate myself to write, even when I don't want to. Maybe making myself a daily writing journal would be helpful. Maybe if I set realistic weekly goals for my writing. Maybe I need some sort of accountability partner. What I know for sure is that I need to actually make a decision about a way to improve in this area. Maybes and shoulds and plans that aren't really plans just aren't going to cut it.

If you have any suggestions, let me know. Otherwise, I'm giving myself until Friday to come up with a more definitive plan, which I will post on here. There...one goal set, and a little bit of accountability to boot. I'm off to a good start!

Adventures in Reading: "The Magicians" by Lev Grossman

I think that I initially saw this book on Borders.com. The whole "Harry Potter goes to college" idea stuck out to me, and I decided I would put it on hold at the library. After reading several reader reviews (also on Borders.com), I became a little nervous. Most people seemed to land somewhere between being bored with the book to seriously disliking it. Being a bit of a literary snob, I figured that these readers were probably below my level of awesomeness, and that I would enjoy the book despite their lack of understanding.

I love being right!

The main complaint of the negative reviews that I have read about "The Magicians" is that its depressing. That certainly can't be denied. Essentially, the "The Magicians" is the story about getting everything you ever thought you wanted, and realizing that it's not enough. Quentin loves his childhood books about the magical land of Fillory and the Chatwin siblings who get to have adventures there. And then one day...Quentin finds out that not only is he a magician, but has been admited to a special college of magic (sort of my dream come true, right there!). But even Brakebills College becomes mundane, and Quentin and his compatriots continue their search for meaning after they graduate. Through a series of events, it is discovered that not only is Fillory real, but Quentin and company can actually get there. Unfortunately, our dreams don't always turn out the way we think they will.

Grossman creates his magical world without a lot of the whimsy associated with magic in other fantasy novels. His concept for the entire novel seems to be very much grounded in what's "real"...the dirty, unpleasant, disturbing parts of life and magic. I think this is a big part of what some of the reviewers didn't like. They wanted to whimsy. They wanted the magic to make things lighthearted, even when circumstances in the book were serious and heavy. But Grossman sticks with his assertion that nothing is easy and nothing comes free.

I would recommend this book to anyone interested in an edgier, darker take on the fantasy coming-of-age genre (a la Harry Potter). It's a long read. It's course and sad and complicated. But its refusal to conform to its contemporaries is also refreshing.

While he did tie up all of the proverbial loose ends by the end of the book, Grossman left the ending wide open for a sequal, which might just turn out to be his version of a happy ending. We'll have to wait and see.

Streeeetch

My new writing class started last night. So far, I don't like it as much as I liked the one I took last term.

The class I took last term was a good mix of experienced writers and people just starting to write. I landed somewhere in the middle, which was nice. However, since the class was very introductory, I never felt out of my league. I don't necessarily feel that way in my new class, and there are a number of people in the class who are at the same place with their writing as I am. This new class does feel like it's the next step up, and maybe that's what makes me uncomfortable. I talk about wanting to write, and I really do love doing it. But there's also something about it that scares me. Something that keeps me from staying motivated. I want this class to stretch me to a point where I can get past those feelings.

The other (major) thing that's different is that this term I don't have weekly assignments. It's just expected that I am working on a piece. The problem I've been having between the end of my last class and this one is actually sitting down to write. I was hoping this class would help to motivate me. The openness of it is going to be a challenge for me.

So, I don't feel quite as comfortable this term. But I've decided that I'm going to view this as a positive. Having my work read and critiqued by people who not only have more experience than me, but also have very different writing styles is a good thing, no matter how intimidating it might feel.

For the next couple of months, yoga will stretch me physically, and this writing class will stretch me mentally and emotionally. Hopefully I don't pull a muscle.